This Isn't Me
by Holly version 2.0
Summary: Casey Novak may be a successful A.D.A, but when it comes to a certain somebody, she is lost at sea.  Femmslash. C/O
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Notes: First Casey/Olivia fic/drabble. Not sure where I am going with it, but here it is! Hope you enjoy! Please review and if I should continue!**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Casey Novak or Olivia Benson or anything involving Law and Order: SVU.**

I'm a young, intelligent, focused Assistant District Attorney who prosecutes the bad men and women in this world; a 71 percent success rate in the cases I prosecute, yet I have no clue how to handle a situation when it involves that throbbing organ behind my ribcage. It all happened a few months ago after joining the SVU unit. The confusion, that is. The culprit that caused this perplexity? Detective Olivia Benson.

Things had started off poorly between her and I and I didn't understand why she was so hostile when we had just met. It was off-putting and discouraging, but I didn't allow it to get to me nor stop me from doing my job. There was reasoning behind her behavior that I wasn't told of until recently. I had learned that I had apparently replaced the position of an amazing A.D.A and couldn't possibly fill her shoes. Stabler had informed me on how close Olivia and Alex Cobat were. They were good co-workers and good friends. I didn't put two and two together to fully understand why this had upset Olivia so much. I was oblivious for a long time. I wasn't sure if it had been unintentional or not.

I would have been a liar if I said I was not jealous and frustrated. I was a self-assured woman. I always felt a need to impress people, to gain their acceptance, but I didn't allow it to show. So, it was only natural for my frustration to grow when I couldn't befriend Olivia. I became obsessed with trying to gain her appreciation, her acknowledgement, anything to make her at least tolerate me. As time past, she warmed up to me and I could say we at least became more than co-workers but not quite true friends. I was alright with that. We were civil and we were professional. We had our arguments that involved ethics and morals, but they were only small feuds.

I felt Olivia and I eventually started to become closer. By becoming closer with Olivia, I became closer with the other SVU members: Elliot, Finn, Munch, Huang. I didn't have much time to make friends when I was married to my job, so it was a nice change to have some friends to go and get a drink with. It took away the lonely nights I had to endure and fill the void that taken place since I left my ex-fiancé.

I went out more and more with Olivia. We kept things simple. We talked mostly about work and previous work experiences. It was rare to get personal information out of each other. I knew very little of Olivia and Olivia knew very little of me. And I wanted to keep it that way once I started to wish I knew more about Olivia; when I wish we were getting closer. This is when the confusion began to build like blocks in my head. I didn't know what to make of it.

I nearly aced my LSATS with a 178/180, I graduated top of my class from NYU Law and yet I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I started to feel attracted to this detective. Yes, attracted. It was as foreign to me as learning a new language. I had experimented in college, but it was meaningless drunk nights. I would have bet my life on that I was completely into men. I spent hours and hours lying in bed, thinking of Detective Benson. Trying to analyze the predicament I was in. Trying to solve and win it like a court case. I had stopped going to bars with the woman until I felt my heart yearn to be next to her. I tortured myself during the process. It was then I started making excuses to see her, to spend some time with her; whether it was five minutes or hours. I knew I had to be confusing her. It was hard for me to reason anymore. My heart defeated my mind. I became less articulated around her and more foolish. I felt like a school girl with a crush. It was ridiculous, it was disgusting, it wasn't _me_.

I figured as time passed, my silly crush would. But, I soon found my crush wasn't getting better but was indeed getting worse. I tried to take action and figure out why my heart fluttered when I caught sight of her or how my breath would hitch in my throat when she called for me. It had to be the way she listened. She held a skill most people did not have. There was a reason she dealt with victims. It was how she understood me, how she didn't judge, and how she was so true. Olivia Benson was an honest human being. I had become jaded with this job. I saw society at its worse and so had Olivia. Yet, she always seemed to stay strong and try to see the best in humanity. She was so strong… unlike me. I was confident, yes, but not strong which most people often confused the two.

When ever around this detective, I felt safe. It wasn't an issue I normally had. I was never worried of something bad happening to me, but I knew if something did, Olivia would be there to rescue me. It was a comforting feeling.

With each passing day, I wondered if Olivia could ever feel the same way for me the way I felt for her. It was a nauseating feeling. Not because of the feeling that my heart may be ripped from my very chest, but because I had no clue whether or not Olivia was gay. I could have guessed but I was never good at defining a person's sexual identity.

I remember the day when Elliot approached me and had informed of some very important news on the detective I had fallen for. He had said the only reason he was telling me this news was because it was obvious how bad I was crushing over her. He had also said he could keep a secret and smiled. I was embarrassed but I also respected him. He had told me the sad story between Olivia and Alex. How they may have had more than a friendship, but he didn't know 100%. All he did know was how she had fallen in love with the previous A.D.A. The news was liberating but heartbreaking at the same time. I had smiled and cried that very night. It had been obvious now as to why she acted the way she did towards me when we first met.

Now that I held knowledge of a very important part of Olivias past, a bit of my worrying and stress had been relieved. At the same time, it clouded my judgment even more. If I caught a smile from her, I made believe it was special and just for me. This only made matters worse. I set up myself for disappointment. I lived in a fantasy world in my own head, coming up with lovely scenarios involving the two of us. People had to wake me from my daydream and gave me strange looks. It came to the point where Olivia started asking me what was going on through my mind. I knew I would blush and mumble. I soon began to feel the overwhelming, dreadful feeling of fear.

I feared Olivia would find out. I feared embarrassment. I feared failure. I feared rejection, _her _rejection. If she found out by mistake, by accident, I would be humiliated. I wouldn't know how to deal with it. I would run away as if my life were in dire danger. Yet,…I doubt I could ever muster up enough courage to confess my true feelings for her. It pained me by not telling her. It was like denying my lungs air to breathe. Anytime I came close to brushing a stray lock of hair from her eyes or pulling her into a warm embrace after a troubling case, I had to excuse myself in a hurry because I was too weak. I'd turn the corner and find a spot where no one could find me. I stayed there until I could gather myself up after shedding a few tears. Day by day, this amazing woman, this brilliant detective, this unmerciful goddess held more control over me.

Minutes became hours, hours turned into days, and days morphed into weeks. I lost more sleep over Olivia than I had over work. When lying in bed, I often turned to my pillow for comfort, holding it close and crying; crying out of frustration mostly. I still couldn't understand why fate had to be so cruel. I would then have to remind myself how foolish I was and how much I was overreacting. The liquor helped my racing mind and tearful eyes.

When I did cry, I sobbed. And when I sobbed I would ask myself why. It wasn't as if Olivia broke my heart, but it certainly felt like it. It was a tormenting feeling. My heartstrings would strain with the effort of trying to contain my beating heart from bursting from my chest. They threatened to snap which would leave me heartless. If that was the case, maybe I would be free from the civil war between my heart and mind. My mind would win, logic and reasoning would prevail and I would be able to retrain my normal life. But…I wasn't so fortunate.

"Casey," I heard a man call my name. It was Elliot. I was brought back to reality, no longer running the chronology of Olivia and my history.

"Why don't you just tell her," he said it as if it was that simple.

"Elliot…," is all I can muster as I look away.

"Casey you look like hell. I can tell this is eating at you."

"Gee, thanks," my voice is husky and I am not pleased. "Did it ever cross your mind that I may be very busy with work?"

"Shut up, Casey," he says bluntly. I could tell he is getting frustrated with me.

"Jesus, Elliot! Give me a goddamn break! I can't... I won't." I sigh and look out my office at the SVU unit. I see her sitting at her desk, talking to Munch, that beautiful smile on her face. I smile myself, but it soon fades.

"I know… I just know Olivia still loves Alex. When Alex is brought up, don't you notice how she goes off into a different world? How saddened she is?"

"She needs to move on. You can help her, Casey."

A moment of silence as I look back to her.

"And how do you know that, Elliot? Hmm? Suddenly, you're a mind reader as well as a detective?" My voice is harsh, as if I am in court.

"It's my job to read people. And I have been working with Liv for a long time. She mentions you more than you think."

My heart skips a beat, maybe two.

"What does she say," I ask eagerly, having to tone down my hopes.

"Why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Elliot! Stop being so difficult," I raise my voice, gathering attention from others in the building. I look out of the window, wondering if they could hear us; if Olivia could hear us. When she looks away from Munch and to me, I quickly shield my eyes.

"You're stronger than this, Casey, and you know it. You're a savage lioness in the courtroom but suddenly you turn into a meek mouse when it comes to something as simple as love?"

'_Simple? Try the most complicated thing on this planet'._

"You have a chance, but you won't always. You better take it while you can." And just like that, he was out of my office, leaving me to stand there like a hopeless lost dog.

Elliot was right, though. If I thought I was a fool for loving this woman, I was an even bigger fool for not confronting my fears. Oh, but it was so much easier said than done. I already had begun to feel my heart racing just at the thought of telling her. It was becoming hard to breathe. My emerald eyes look up and they meet those beautiful brown eyes through the glass. She looks concerned. I try to force a smile, but it is unsuccessful. I hold my chest, hoping I could keep my heart from leaping out. She is getting up from her seat and heading this way. My eyes flashing in horror, I quickly begin to shuffle through papers, trying to look busy.

"Casey, is everything alright?" Her voice is soothing, but does not help me calm down. If fact, it makes it worse.

"Yeah, just stressed," I lie and act like I have lost something. I hope I can trick her. My voice is shaky_. 'Calm yourself! Jesus!'_ I hiss to myself inside my head.

"Can I help?"

"Uh, no, it's just ….just a legal…document. I must have left it at my apar-," she interrupts me and places a hand on mine. I immediately stop, looking at it, my heart had stopped beating. It knows not how to react. I know not how to act.

"Casey…what's wrong? You can tell me."

_ 'No, no I can't….'_


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Notes: Second chapter is up! Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Casey Novak or Olivia Benson or anything involving Law and Order: SVU. Two Fools Tavern is in Albuquerque, NM. There may be one on NYC, but nonetheless, I don't own it. Haha. It is an awesome pub, though. Woo!**

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I am loss of words. I close my eyes, trying to pull myself together. I open them and meet hers. Her brows are furrowed; my heart is panicking. This isn't me.

"Casey," she asks again.

_'I love you!'_ My mind screams.

It's now or never.

Reluctantly, I pull away from the detective and walk to the door, my heels clicking against the tile floor. As I close it, I allow myself to exhale, my lungs thanking me for the release of Carbon Dioxide. I wonder what could be going on through Olivias' head.

I can't. I just can't. Fear is such a powerful device. I can't find my courage. I suddenly realize I have been standing with my hand on the door for a while. I finally turn around to face her. She looks perplexed. I don't blame her. 'Ugh, she's so beautiful,' is all I can think.

"Olivia," I try to muster up my courtroom presence. If I had had some time to rehearse, I wouldn't be as nervous. She keeps those beautiful brown eyes on me, leaning forward ever so slightly, as if she is trying to encourage me to keep on talking.

"I could use a drink, how about you?" My voice is a bit more husky than normal.

"I can tell," a small smile from her, "Yeah, lemme just finish up this paperwork."

The second she leaves, I am relieved even though I miss her presence. My heart attempts to calm down its rapid beating, but it feels like it may never stop threatening to escape my chest. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, grabbing for my purse where I grasp my compact. I have to try and make myself better looking for this evening.

An hour, maybe more; I'm not sure, has passed. I waited in my office, not exactly doing anything in particular, too anxious by the thought of sharing a drink or two with Olivia. Once I notice her giving her reports to Gragen, I take it as a sign to leave my office and I do, closing the door behind me. I flash a smile to Olivia who grabs her coat. I feel some confidence returning to me. It may be the idea of liquor that returns it to me or the fact that it is only her and me.

"Ready?" She asks. I smile again and nod. I don't count on having a cool exterior as I normally do. Olivia has to know. She just has to.

"You know it," a small, nervous chuckle.

The bar is rowdy and loud, but I like the ambiance. I had allowed Olivia to pick a new place and she decided on Two Fools Tavern. It was Irish of course and I wonder if she picked it because she knew I was Irish. Nonetheless, it made me blush. Perhaps, she felt it would help me relax. Whiskey certainly would.

"Here," she points out, placing a hand on my lower back to guide me. My stomach does a flip.

We take our seats, shuffling a bit as we remove our coats. We're instantly greeted by a cocktail server and we give our drink orders. I know what she wants; her drink never changes. I order Makers Mark and ginger. I enjoy the hint of sweetness, but the harshness of the hard liquor.

Our conversation starts out casually, allowing me to feel a bit more at ease. I can tell she is avoiding asking me what is on my mind; what was wrong. Olivia would soon ask the inevitable, but she knew when the right time was. I was dreading that moment. I only hoped I would be drunk enough when it came to it. I need this liquid courage which was just pathetic. If I did tell what Elliot demanded of me, what I needed to say, I doubt Olivia would appreciate a drunken confession. How cliché.

Downing my sixth drink, it was about time I felt the warm feeling in my cheeks and the numbness in my limbs. I could feel my lids getting heavy, covering my green eyes just half way. I couldn't help but stare at the detective. As I remember, Olivia was on her fourth, but it seemed she was feeling the same effects of the liquor. I wasn't sure if it was because of the noise we had scooted close to each other or if had been just me. Nonetheless, I was happy for our close contact.

"Are you enjoying this bar?"

"Pub, actually," I correct and smirk, looking down at my drink. "Yes, very much so…thanks for taking me here." It's funny how I can articulate my words just fine when tipsy, but when confronted with my fear I am a babbling baboon.

Olivia continued to talk, but I couldn't stay focused on her words. I could only focus on her lips moving and imagine how badly I wished to kiss them. What I wouldn't give to know what she was thinking.

"Mhmm," and a nod is all I can offer. She is so beautiful.

My mind has gone completely. Childhood memories: gone. High School: gone. Law school: gone. All logic and reasoning has fled my mind. And suddenly, I found myself inching closer to her. The distance closing until my lips met her. There was no stopping me. I had no control. I was possessed by my hearts desire. For once in what seemed like forever, I felt truly happy, until my world came crashing down.

Olivia pulls away from me just as soon as I kissed her. My eyes snap open to see hers. She looks shocked and appalled. I suddenly feel sick. I am so embarrassed. If it weren't for the dim lighting, it would have been easy to see how red my face was and the terror in my eyes.

I can't believe I kissed her. I drunkenly kissed Olivia Benson. I'm a fool.

I quickly get up, snatching my coat and purse, mumbling 'sorry' over and over again, trying so hard not to cry out of embarrassment and rejection. I fumble through my wallet, pulling out a 100 dollar bill and throwing it on the table to pay my bill. I simply can't old back my tears much longer. In this frenzy, I fail to notice Olivia trying to explain it is okay. I quickly tell her another sorry and hurry out, pushing by people, trying not to stumble.

The second I get out into the night, I gasp in the cold air. Millions of negative thoughts course through my mind. "Fuck!" I say out loud, gathering attention from bystanders. I hail a taxi, just missing Olivia calling out my name by seconds, trying to stop me. I have to repeat my address twice, the cab driver failing to understand my broken words. The tears start to fall freely now. I hate myself. This isn't _me_.

I doubt I even had a chance with Olivia. Thinking about it, as I cover my eyes with my scarf, I try to see how this has to be beneficial. The kiss was a fleeting moment, whereas if I told her everything, could have been a life time. It was still awful. I was rejected by the only one I ever felt I could give my heart to. I wasn't even turned down in a courteous manner. Olivia was disgusted in me.

"Rough night?"

"Oh, shut up!" I snap at the cab driver and sniff hard. I just want to be home and alone.

Finally, I arrive home. I quickly pay him and leave, sighing heavily. Entering my apartment, I throw my purse to the side, closing the door behind me. My place is dead silent. How depressing. Feeling my lower lib quibble and my brows furrow together, I begin to cry again. My whole body shutters with my sobs. I feel like an angel without her wings. I am flightless; caught in the sad trap of gravity. I can't fly without Olivia.

I want to weep; weep for my internal suffering, weep for my defeat, weep for my devastating loss, weep from my embarrassment, and weep, weep for my dignity. Never in my life have I cried so much nor did I ever know I could shed so many tears. I am such a fool.

"I blew it, I blew it…I blew it," I whisper under my breath as I trudge to my room.

No, there is no such thing as happy endings. This was life. This was reality. This was not a fairytale. No matter how much I closed my eyes and how badly I wished, how badly I wanted to believe, it wouldn't happen. I had no fairy godmother to grant me a magical wish to make everything right. There was no prince to rescue me. There was just the sad truth of reality. And my reality was Olivia and I never had a chance.

I fall onto my bed, wishing I could stop my tears. It is out of my control, just the way I was at the pub. Just the way my heart betrayed me. Just the way life is. My hand fumbles around on my nightstand, searching for the bottle of Jack Daniels I had recently become best friends with. This is what will get me to sleep. This is what will help me forget tonight ever happened. It won't be decent sleep but it will be sleep nonetheless. I hope when I wake up, everything that had happened will just be a nightmare. I'd give my career to take this night back.

_This isn't me._

**Please review! Please! Please! Please! I would really appreciate it! It helps me decide if I will continue or not! Thanks a bunch! :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Whoa. So worry for the delay! Here ya go! The last chapter up! I may write more, but not sure. Hope you enjoy and thank you all for your comments, faves, and patients! Hope you all enjoy!**

Beep. Beep. Beep.

My alarm wakes me from my drunken sleep. I may have been hung-over, but I learned to ignore the splitting headache and nausea. I'd take this feeling over what my heart felt. I remain in bed and contemplate. Do I go to work and avoid Olivia? Do I even go to work? Do I go and explain how I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing? Or do I go and take responsibility for my actions?

_'You can't run forever…'  
_

I sigh and my brows furrow. I don't let myself cry. I can't handle it. I'm too dehydrated, anyways. I roll out of bed, hunching over, my green eyes fixated on my cold feet. I begin to recite what I will say to Olivia if I cross her path today. I'm terrified. My stomach is tied in knots from the anxiety. I almost felt the anxiety was worse than the depression. This needed to end. I knew I was destroying my mind, heart, and body over this and last night was the breaking point.

When I enter the building, eyes look to me, as if they know what happened last night. As if they know what I am going through. I lower my eyes for a moment but straighten my posture and keep my eyes forward. With all my strength I have left, I try to put on the façade of confidence. My eyes scan the SVU room, spotting Munch and Elliot, but not Olivia. I let out a breath of relief. Elliot catches my eye and approaches me.

"So…," he asks and smiles, following me to my office. "How'd it go? Did you tell her?"

Rolling my eyes, I throw my briefcase on my desk, staring at it a moment before turning back to him. By the look on my face, it was easy for Elliot to understand things didn't go according to plan.

"I ruined everything, Elliot. I should have just told her." I throw my hand up in defeat, motioning to nothing.

"What happened?"

"We went to get drinks…I thought liquor would loosen me up. I needed it. And, well, it did. Too much. Elliot I," I sigh, closing my eyes, my stomach tensing, "I kissed her." Before he could get a word in, I stopped him. "She pulled away in horror. Do you know how…fucked I am?" My eyes are intense, the tears threatening to spill over.

When did Elliot suddenly become my best friend? Why did I feel I could talk to him? Why was I allowing myself to cry in front of him? I was so good at hiding my emotions. Was. I was good at hiding my emotions. I was breaking down. I was no longer me. This isn't me. This isn't me. This. Isn't. Me.

I am so frustrated. I can barely think straight anymore. Successfully shutting Elliot up, I inhale deeply, as if filling my lungs with air would make me appear large and in charge. I can tell he doesn't know what to say. We both stare at each other for a few moments before she walks through the door, inviting herself in. By she, I mean the last person I wanted to see today: Olivia Benson.

Startled, I knock over the lamp and fumble with it clumsily for a few plays before failing and dropping it on the ground. I look up and with no control, my face contorts into shock. I probably could pass for the lead role in a paranormal movie when they finally witness the ghost. And there it goes again; my heart pounding so hard I swear the whole SVU unit can hear it and mistake it for doomsday.

"Elliot, leave." Olivia nearly barks.

Great. She's pissed and I am to blame. She probably came to give me a piece of her mind. Elliot and I lock eyes. My mind and heart are panicking. _'Please, do not leave,'_ my eyes plea. He has no choice. Olivia is staring daggers at him.

"Now."

"Jeeze, you women," he puts up his hands in defense and leaves. Olivia closes the door behind him and I feel trapped. My heart racing, my lungs constricting, my head spinning. I feel sick.

The second she turns around to face me, I try to remember my lines that I had recited 1,000 times over on my way here.

"Olivia, I am so sorry about last night. I don't know what happened. I was drunk. The bar was playing crazy music. It ju-," Olivia stops me short, holding up her hand to shush me.

"Casey…Casey. Shh. It's okay. Case…you ran out on me. I tried to stop you, but damn, you can run fast in those heels."

She wasn't upset? Furious? I was confused. I was officially lost at sea and I could tell Olivia knew. It didn't take a mind reader to understand what my facial expression was conveying. My mind searched for words to construct into a sentence; running through the vast library that held every word I know, but I couldn't do it. I simply shake my head, my brows high and my mouth partly opened.

"…Sorry…? I was embarrassed." My cheeks flush with red. "I really am sorry, Liv," I love saying her nickname.

"No need to apologize," she smiles, taking a step closer. This woman makes me weak in the knees; literally. I need to lean against my desk to help hold my weight.

"Why not?"

"Because,... I wasn't offended. I only pulled away because you startled me."

My cheeks flush that deep red once more. I totally made myself look like an ass last night. But, could you blame me? It wasn't like I kissed someone I had no feelings for. This woman owned my heart without even knowing it.

"I would have thought our first kiss would have been a bit…different."

My eyes flash with astonishment. Is my hearing off? Am I delusional? I begin to think I am still asleep and dreaming. There was no way she could have just said what I think she did. Olivia closes the distance between us, a smile upon her face, and before I know it I feel her delicate hand tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear. And then suddenly her lips meet mine as if magnets had been placed there ages ago.

When our lips lock, I swear the laws of gravity no longer apply. I feel myself lift from the ground and all sound dies to silence. I have never experienced such a phenomenal moment. This could not be real; I had to be dreaming. The woman I had been fawning over for what seemed like a life time is kissing me like a Goddess.

It wasn't long until I could feel the hot tears sneaking from my closed eyes. I begin to weep silently; except these tears are from sheer joy and relief.

I feel Olivia's soft hands meet my face, brushing away my tears with her soft thumbs, breaking the kiss and whispering what is wrong. I respond with a simple, 'Nothing,' and smile, my forehead meeting hers.

"How long have you known?"

"I didn't. I figured you knew I liked you and that was why you kissed me that night…"

I blush. She does too.

I can't begin to express the joy in my heart. There are no words. My heart races with excitement; it's a beautiful feeling. It was funny how easy the horrible feelings of heartache, need, anxiety, and fear had been swept away in a simple kiss. I swore I could fly. I just hoped Olivia wouldn't let me fall. I couldn't recover if she did.


End file.
